I lived a very unhealthy lifestyle for my mental health; it took me a long time to recognise that I was allowing others to be unkind to me and worse yet; I was being unkind to myself. We all have an internal voice and we all, to varying degrees, listen to what that internal voice tells us. We believe what that voice has to say, whether it’s telling us good things or bad things. After reading many self-help books and articles and watching countless videos about how to improve my mental health and self-confidence, I developed new habits that helped me to have a better dialogue with that internal voice and make better choices.

I made small changes at a time, some became habits and are part of my life now.

The first thing I had to learn was to stop comparing yourself to others. While some might argue that comparing yourself to others can be healthy, it gives you goals to reach for and helps track your progress and success; I don’t subscribe to that view.

It’s natural to compare ourselves, we are encouraged from an early age to do so. “Study hard like Jack and you could get into a great college.” “Work hard like Rosemary and you could buy a new sports car like her.” And so on.

I started looking at social media first, it’s easy to fall for the filtered photos and the #livingthedream posts, but when I thought about it, I realised that not all these glimpses into these fabulous lives were as they seemed. Some of them were genuine and I could celebrate for all my friends and family their accomplishments and their happiness. However, comparing myself to them and lamenting that I wasn’t on a beach on an idyllic island or eating a top-notch meal at a new and trendy restaurant or walking hand in hand in a park with a new love, did absolutely nothing for me or anyone else. I made a conscious decision to stop looking at social media so much and taking what I saw less seriously than I had in the past. I wanted to celebrate my little happy moments in my life; I didn’t particularly want to publish my life on social media, so I went old-school. I used a brand-new hardback notebook I had on my bookshelf and turned it into a gratitude journal. I committed to writing at least three things I was grateful for at least three times a week. I would write things like I was grateful for a particular friend who had made me feel loved that day, or for my ability to make a cosy crocheted blanket which I snuggled under to read a book which I was also grateful for having found. I would doodle and make little sketches in this journal and the entire process became very satisfying. I would find myself during the day, thinking “that will go in my gratitude journal”, for example, when I brought some fresh eggs from my rescue hens to my neighbour and she brought me out to her garden and picked lettuce, spring onions and tomatoes for me to make a salad for dinner. Or if I only had two items in my basket at the supermarket and someone invited me to go in front of them in the queue.

I believe it was Deepak Chopra who said. “What other people think of you is not your business. If you start to make that business your business, you will be offended for the rest of your life.”

I look at my grand nephew prancing around in his superhero outfit, cape and mask included, making shapes and pulling moves and telling people how great he is and truly believing it. I feel proud of him and overflow with love for him and wonder when I lost that kind of self-confidence, did I ever have that kind of self-confidence. I doubt I did, to be honest. I grew up being told not to be boastful, not to draw attention to myself, not to brag about my achievements and hearing “What would Mrs Whoever think!”

I have a set of guidelines I live by; they aren’t written anywhere and I don’t have them numbered, but I know they are there and I try my best to follow them. They are things like, ‘if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing’ or ‘don’t pass up an opportunity to give a genuine compliment’ or more serious things like ‘don’t swear at drivers who don’t indicate’, ‘don’t scream “shut up” when someone says, “Guess what your ex is doing!” (I did enough guessing as to what they were doing before they became my ex). Basically, what I am getting at is that I know what is right and wrong and I should live my life accordingly to hold my head up high and be proud of who I am. Yes, I could improve in areas, and I attempt to do just that, but I don’t beat myself up about not being perfect or not getting to my end goal fast enough.

We live in a time of instant gratification; things move at a fast pace, and we want instant results. While this can be a bad thing because it sets us up for sure failure in some ways, we can learn to set smaller, more manageable goals and teach ourselves to slow down and enjoy the ride.

However, celebrating the small wins is a very healthy form of instant gratification. I will not tell you what wins you should celebrate, that’s your business. I can tell you some of the small wins I celebrate. I have had depression and a myriad of physical illnesses my entire adult life. Some of these can knock me down and make me want to stay down. So, some days my small wins are few and smaller than other days. I’m OK with that and I have learned to live with that.

Some of my wins might be making my bed and having a shower. Some days, that is about as much as I can manage. Other days, I might celebrate putting order to my wardrobe and donating a bag of clothes to a charity shop. Other days, it might be getting a story published. I might celebrate that I reached my writing goals 5 days in a row or that I surpassed my walking step goals for the day. You know what your goals are and you know what your small wins are. Celebrate them.

You can choose to share your victories with one of more people, but make sure that they are the right people. You don’t want to share with someone who doesn’t understand your journey and whose reaction could be less than ideal. You also might not want to share your victory with someone who is struggling, they might view your success as motivation for them, but they might not be in the right place to view it positively and you don’t want to make them feel worse about themselves.

While waiting on wins to fall upon you might work, keeping an eye out for opportunities can really increase your win pile. I’m not a great housekeeper, I enjoy having a clean and tidy home, I just don’t enjoy cleaning and tidying it. So, I developed this little game that had a double win situation. I boil my kettle at least three times a day, so while the kettle is boiling, I use that time to clean an area of the kitchen, maybe wipe out the microwave, shake crumbs out of the toaster, put away the dried dishes and wipe down the sink and draining board, you get the idea. So, by the time I make my hot drink, I have won at doing a chore I didn’t really want to do, and I also won and making my home a bit more pleasing to be in.

You don’t have to love something to do it well, but you have to have focus and stay motivated. I find this easier to do for shorter lengths of time, the time it takes for the kettle to boil, for example.

B.J. Fogg PhD Behaviour Scientist at Stanford University popularised the Celebration Concept. Celebrating immediately after an action creates a memory imprint in your mind. Overtime you learn to associate the new habit with the positive emotion.

How you celebrate is up to you. A winners dance. A cup of tea and a pat on the back. A 15-minute mediation session in nature to relish the winning feeling.

I don’t know about you, but my mind is great at letting me know when I have messed up at something. I have been training my mind, and it’s an ongoing process, to also let me know when I have aced something. At first it might feel selfish and boastful. I don’t think it is and even if you think it to be, so what? We are allowed to applaud ourselves.

I hope you enjoyed reading this article. Celebrate your small wins and post some of them in the comment section to give yourself a boost and inspire others.

Celebrate the Small Wins was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.